Murdoc's Snow White
by RaphaelDrake
Summary: 2D has been having trouble sleeping lately. So Murdoc has taken to fracturing fairy tales and reading them to him.


Murdoc: Now apparently Faceache is still having trouble sleeping. I offered to fix that, by punching him in the gob, but he had a bit of a tear about it, and said I was being mean.

2D: You were.

Murdoc: Pussy... So I have another tale from the dark recesses for you. You all comfy and cosy, because I'm not stopping in the middle of this because you want another blanket, or some shit!

2D: I'm ready.

Murdoc: Good. Right, now there was this princess right. Kind'a mmmmmmmmm like, with nice knockers, and... legs... cooor.

2D: Muds, are you playing with yourself?

Murdoc: Err, no. I have an itch! Shut up 'D. Her name was Snow White, but that's a daft name, so I'll call her... Whitey with the big Boobies. RIGHT!

2D: You can't call her that!

Murdoc: My Cuban booted foot in yer arse says I can. Wanna argue the point? (stands up, gets ready to kick him)

2D: No. (rapidly shakes head)

Murdoc: Good oh. (sits) Now Whitey with the big Boobies had a step-mum, you know, as they ALWAYS do in these crappy tales. And she's PMSy all the damn time. Always looking in mirrors asking if her arse looks big and shit. Pfft, who cares about yer arse if yer down there sucking...

2D: MUDS!

Murdoc: (startled) What...? What what what? (gets angry) WHAT!

2D: Kids.

Murdoc: Eh? Oh, oh right... Lollipops. That's what I was going to say... Lollipops. (rolls eyes, pretends to vomit) So she has this dumb talking mirror. Which explains why women spend so much time in the bathroom... TALKING. In out, how hard is that? You go in, sit down, squirt, wipe, leave. You don't stand there having a three and a half hour long conversation with yer damn reflection. WHO CARES, when I'm finished with you, most of yer make-up is gunna be plastered across the pillow anyway. Morons.

2D: You really have some issues, doncha Muds? (sees cold dead look in Murdoc's face. Shuts up)

Murdoc: Mirror, mirror, blah blah. How does my arse look today? (adopts gay accent) Fabulous. (goes back to regular voice) Till one day it all went horribly wrong. Mirror, mirror, blah fucking rah. How does my arse look? (adopts gay accent) Like shit. NEXT! So the PMSy step-mum looses her rag... Which would be really messy if she WAS PMSy at the time but eh, life sucks get over it. So she gets this hunter to take Whitey with the big Boobies into the forest. But she wouldn't let him touch her knockers so he got bored and left. Irritated, she had a snooze. (pretends to sleep, snoring loudly) Wakes up, has a tear, then bogs off for a walk. You know, as you do.

2D: Do you really think Snow White snores?

Murdoc: What? Yeah, ALL women with big tits snore. It's the slow death rattle of suffocation, because they can't sleep on their stomach's yah twat. SHUT UP!

2D: Oh. (is hit several times over the head with a pillow) OKAY, I'll shut up.

Murdoc: So she comes to this house, and decides eh, I'll break in, so she kicks the door in and cases the joint. Seeing there's seven of everything, and feeling a bit naff about kicking their door in, she makes them some food, because she'd left fingerprints everywhere and knew she'd get done by the cops, so eh BRIBERY! Always a winner. Failing that, she'll lift her top and give 'em an eye full. Seven little buggers walk up to the house, see the doors been kicked in and Whitey standing their next to the food, with her top up over her head. They cop an eye full, but go eh, and eat the food. Obviously short and Gaaaaay.

2D: No they weren't.

Murdoc: Prove it. Show me where they do her in that. (holds out book)

2D: (looks at the side of his shoe) I can't coz it's not in there.

Murdoc: See, told you. Gaaaaaay. So they shackle her to the sink and make her their servant, coz they're bastards. And after hearing about her PMSy step-mum, they know she's got no where to go and no one will miss her anyway. That's when she realises she's kicked in the door of the local serial killers, and if she doesn't do what they say, she's dog food. Mwuaahahahahah.

2D: You're a very sick man.

Murdoc: (shrugs) Bite me 'D, bite me. The PMSy step-mum goes to the mirror, asks about her arse, and is told that she's STILL got a fat arse and to just stop EATING, coz killing off all the skinny bitches ain't gunna make her arse any smaller. She chucks a full on wobbly at the mirror, finds out Whitey's living with a bunch of short gay serial killers, so she puts on some dumb disguise and heads off with a poison ahhhh hot pot.

2D: Apple.

Murdoc: You want me to take you out in the boat, and drop you off in the middle of the ocean?

2D: But Muds tha' whale...

Murdoc: I knoooow. (he drawls pleasantly)

2D: Oh... did I say apple? I meant hot pot. (smiles nervously and makes himself look small)

Murdoc: Heh, heh. Seeing the serial killers bog off, the PMSy step-mum knocks on the door and Whitey opens it, coz she's a div. She sees the hot pots and says "Nah, coz I don't want an arse like my step-mums, by the way have you seen the size of it cooooor, you could land jet planes on that arse." Course the PMSy step-mum doesn't like this much, but eh, what can she do...? Force feed it to her. So she did. "Eat it and DIE you skinny bitch!" (pretends to force feed the princess a hot pot)

2D: Um, okay?

Murdoc: So the short gay arsed serial killers come back. See Whitey covered from head to foot in hot pot juice. Give her a poke, think she's dead. Give her another poke, annnnnnd then decide to check out her knockers.

2D: Muds... Kids.

Murdoc: Hey, if THEY don't know I'm an evil bastard by NOW, they never will. PERIOD! Not changing for no body. Now the PMSy step-mum had been wobbling back to her castle. Unfortunately she tripped and broke her bum, it got infected and she carked it. (flops out tongue, rolls eyes and pretends to be dead) The seven gay serial killers have a tear, stick Whitey in a glass box. Oddly she doesn't suffocate, probably because of the size of her lungs, and they throw stupid flowers at her...? (shrugs) A dumb prince turns up, sees the size of the dead birds tits and goes "COOOOOOR I wanna bit of THAT action," but can't get the box open. The seven gay serial killers come along, so he cons them into giving him the key. He opens the box, kisses her, gives her a poke and she wakes up. Eh, just like in real life. 'Cept they often slap you for that. Whitey marries the prick, guess she really WAS up for a bit of the ol' necro, and then she catches him poking a tree elf one day and shoots him in the knob... Accidentally... Depressed by this, she dives under a bus and causes a fifteen car pile up, and dies. The short gay serial killers get done for larceny and white slavery, and they end up dying in some weird murder suicide pact with a guy from H Block. Annnnd that's it.

2D: Have you ever considered therapy?

Murdoc: Yes.

2D: Oh...And?

Murdoc: Found drinking copious amount of booze to be the cheaper option, and much more fun anyway.

2D: Oh.

Murdoc: Now go to BED, and leave me alone.

2D: Awwww, can't I sleep wif you?

Murdoc: You dirty little swine. (hits him repeatedly with a pillow till he leaves) You lot can rack off to. (slams door in your face) Ingrates.


End file.
